Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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