help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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