She is in my trunk
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
