Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
