The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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