Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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