My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
