She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
