I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
