the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
