Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Randomize
