just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Too much gin, very little bucket
time to smoke my breakfast
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
