they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
