guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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