Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
