I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
