ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
