I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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