Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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