I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
