i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
