should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
