the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
