yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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