I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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