fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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