chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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