yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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