I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
