You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
