cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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