can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I need to calm my uterus...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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