You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
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I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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