Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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