nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
third nipple confirmed
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
