I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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