How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
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He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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