do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
