I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Randomize
