i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
