I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
