Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
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