Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
