I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Randomize
