Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
