I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
