do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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