So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
