i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
