I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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