You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
