Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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