Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
