Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
