Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
