3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
