so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
