I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm both gender and math confused
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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